Emotional status

It's really been awhile again I haven post any blogs here. It makes the page full of dust and seems to be neglected by everyone already.... Well, I'm glad that no one will see this anymore, as this will be my very own personal diary and I will jot down every great moments I have or feelings right here.
I just watched a drama by Aaron, my idol! And I've just replayed the kissing part over and over again. And I've realized that actually I never had a real boyfriend before and I never snog a guy. So I started to think if I died at this moment, maybe I'm will not go with a clear mind, thoughts and heart. I always have a feeling that I'm going to die soon. How soon is it? Never thought of it. However, i think maybe is good for me to die early because i won't be a burden to my parents anymore and at least I will be free with all the tensions I have now. Well, although SPM is almost over, but I actually do not feel really relieve. I was really happy when the biology paper ends and I started to smile. But after everything, the marking and checking of answers, I finally know that what makes me tension is not because of the EXAM. Is because of the results. I was really so happy when I realized that I actually got 46 for paper biology. but it came out others doesn't seems to good. Or I should not good at all. Especially chemistry. How is it possible for me to get such marks. I mean like when I do exercises, I do get quite a satisfactory mark. But in real exams I didn't do well at all. Am I to stress out, causing everything to be lost in my mind or maybe I was really unprepared for it.
I started to think a lot of possibility. What if i REALLY didn't do well? How is my future going to be. Dexter told me it is impossible for me to get a results of NOT GOOD. But anything is possible.If I didn't do well, am I still able to be admitted to college or university for further studies? Can I still become a doctor. I must be a doctor and I must get into matriks. It is my only way. I do not have much choice. This is the only which must be taken. Maybe sometimes I'm wrong and I got the wrong perception, but sometimes you just can't denied it.
At this time again, I'm thinking of the BGR problem again. If I have somebody, I might tell that somebody what's my feeling now or maybe I will cry on his chest and he will just hug me tightly so that I will feel secured. But will that person appear? What if he has actually appeared and I didn't realized and I just ignored him? I might be crazy at this moment. But I just hope that the things happen few years ago will not happen and maybe we will really live happily ever after